APTly Spoken Blog

  • Even Tough Guys Like Trophies

    My mom has a habit of trying to surprise me with good news by leaving voicemails that sound anything but. “Lauren, call me when you get this” is a personal favorite. She left that voicemail a few years ago, her tone foreboding. Now, if I were a TV daughter, I would have been Full House’s D.J. Tanner—damn near perfect (minus the time she accidentally fell asleep on her boyfriend’s shoulder)—yet I...
  • Oh Hair No!

    It’s always awkward when someone gets a haircut. It seems rude not to acknowledge it, so you have to start by asking the obvious: “Hey, did you get a haircut?!” When they say yes, there’s only one appropriate response: “It looks great!” It could be the ugliest haircut in the world—a mullet or a rat tail or a Kate Gosselin—but you certainly can’t say so.  You may even find said haircut socially...
  • Good Gourd, I Love This Season

    I live for the month of October.  I was born on the 7th, so I guess this quite literally is the case. But I also live for it in a more figurative manner—I just love everything about this season. Autumn on the East Coast is glorious; the leaves are brilliant shades of red, orange and yellow, the air is crisp and I get to dress in a hideous costume that, if I may brag for a moment, inevitably wins...
  • You're Full of Garbage

    A few years ago I walked into the kitchen to find my old roommate shoving an entire tray of uneaten lasagna down the garbage disposal.   “What the hell are you doing?” I asked, as she repeatedly stabbed the noodles with a fork to dislodge them from the container.  “This is what a garbage disposal is for,” she confidently explained. Incorrect. So incorrect, in fact, that our disposal broke two...

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