Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Turn on almost any radio station morning show and quite frequently the morning talk host will be asking for “The Phrase that Pays”. This is generally a tag line that summarizes a marketing jingle that the audience is supposed to remember. Something such as “This is KSCUM radio… where we scrub the hits with no commercial breaks every day!”
This short statement is meant to remind listeners what...
Thursday, September 3, 2015
If Hell exists, it was modeled after a Saturday morning Costco run.
Before you even step foot inside, you have to battle a parking lot in which small children have made it their mission to get run over by your car. The entire scene is one giant manslaughter charge waiting to happen.
But it doesn’t get any better once you’re inside, forced to dodge parents with shopping karts the size of SUVs....
Thursday, August 6, 2015
In fifth grade I saw a mouse at the vacation house we were renting for the week in Deep Creek, Md. I was an hour into the TGIF line-up—ABC’s magnum opus—when I saw the creature scurry across the mantel above the TV.
Cue an immediate and total meltdown.
In the throes of an 11-year-old freak-out, I strongly suggested we leave the house immediately. When no one made any moves to grab the car keys, I...
Thursday, July 30, 2015
My memories of college move-in days involve a lot of crying or sweating. Sometimes both, together.
At the time, I wasn’t so great at the whole being away from my parents thing. Damn you both for providing me with a loving childhood.
Simultaneously, my college wasn’t so great at the whole air conditioning thing. Three flights of steps + all of my worldly possessions – A/C = a disgruntled father. I...