Thursday, March 3, 2016
My best friend owns a Roomba—one of those horrifying robot vacuums that come to life in the middle of the night while you’re “safely” tucked into bed. I’m not into it.
Sure, the tiny machine can get in all the nooks and crannies of your house without damaging the furniture and do the cleaning for you, but I’m also pretty sure this was the plot of a Goosebumps book I read when I was 10.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
November marked my post-modern birth. I bought my first smartphone.
After years of holding steadfast to my tried and true flip phone—insisting that I had a better quality of life and was more connected to the real world—I caved. I got an iPhone 6. And you know what? I love the damn thing.
Granted, my quality of life—as predicted—has diminished. When I’m not on my phone, I’m thinking about being...
Thursday, February 11, 2016
My parents and I visited my brother in Florida at the end of his freshman year in college. When we arrived, it became very clear that nothing had been cleaned since September. And by cleaned, I mean sheets literally not changed once.
Already verging on a nervous breakdown from the state of disarray, my Mom walked into the bathroom. The level of uncleanliness was too much to bare.
“I did not...
Thursday, January 28, 2016
My best friend and I lived together for five years. During that time, her boyfriend lived with us for about 8 months. After they broke up, he stayed for another month.
The Vatican is currently reviewing my application for Sainthood.
Fortunately, this ex-boyfriend wasn’t a psycho. He didn’t set the place on fire, or do drugs, or throw house parties until 3 a.m. Still, he was unauthorized. (And,...