APTly Spoken Blog

  • What Does the Silver Fox Say?

    I might block my uncle on Facebook.  He joined three weeks ago and has since commented on nearly every status I write. And we’re talking three- to four-sentence comments. On Thanksgiving, for example, I wrote, “I have a headache and I feel sick. Like ya do, Thanksgiving.” Minutes later and four ‘likes’ deep, my uncle wrote, “I don’t understand...
  • Super Tall, Funny Male Looking for Gullible Female

    “This girl I know” is always complaining about the hot messes on various dating websites. In particular, she really hates: 1. Guys who post shirtless selfies. If my friend—OK, OK, it’s me—sees one more picture taken through the reflection of a bathroom mirror, I’m going to lose it. If you really want to shamelessly impress me, upload a picture of your credit...
  • Pulling the Plug

    Last week I received a text on my flip phone while I was in an NAA staff meeting. For those of you smartphone folks who can’t reach far back enough in your memory to recall the sound, it’s a series of three loud beeps. “Lauren, I think your pager went off,” said one cruel co-worker who shall not be named (rhymes with Jeremy Figoten).  Unless I have a computer nearby...
  • Even Tough Guys Like Trophies

    My mom has a habit of trying to surprise me with good news by leaving voicemails that sound anything but. “Lauren, call me when you get this” is a personal favorite. She left that voicemail a few years ago, her tone foreboding. Now, if I were a TV daughter, I would have been Full House’s D.J. Tanner—damn near perfect (minus the time she accidentally fell asleep on her...

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