APTly Spoken Blog

  • Creepers Need Not Apply

    In San Francisco I was approached by a gentleman with a rat tail who was distraught after releasing his 16 exotic birds due to an impending eviction. He proceeded to flip through a tattered folder full of stained-glass sketches, the prettiest one being that of a lion. When I boarded the bus, he began drinking from a coffee cup he found on one of the seats. On a 13-hour bus ride from England to...
  • Attention “Tim The Tool Man” Taylors—Read Carefully

    I’d like to think I have a few talents. Writing, playing the theme song to “Titanic” on my light-up Casio keyboard, investing inordinate amounts of energy in reality TV couples—these are all things I’m good at. But do-it-yourself (DIY) projects don’t make that list. Due to my total lack of handiwork skills, sixth-grade Industrial Arts class was a particularly harrowing time for me. I always felt...
  • Bank On a Budget, Not a Baby Tooth

    I once pulled out a baby tooth, despite the fact that it wasn’t ready to come out, just to get a dollar. I had run out of birthday money and really wanted the latest Polly Pocket. A few years later, I found myself $300 in the red after losing many, many games of darts to my younger brother. I should have quit after the third game but I couldn’t stomach the thought of losing and felt double-or-...
  • What Women (Really) Want

    I hate the color pink. Aside from a few exceptions—Kimberley, the Pink Power Ranger, a pair of hot pink L.A. Gear high-top shoes I owned as a child and pink Starbursts—I’m just not a fan. I’ve even gone so far as to tell my mother that when the time comes for her to throw me a baby shower—that time being very, very far away—I would rather not receive a sea of pink dresses, hats and blankets. I’...

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