APTly Spoken Blog

  • Tears of a Clown

    During a hiking trip through Utah a few years ago, my friends and I went to a diner for lunch. I was hemming and hawing over the pancake options when our waiter arrived at the table. He was just your average server—tall, brown hair, three teardrops tattooed under his right eye. You know, the usual. Deeply distressed that the same man who put three people in the ground would also be delivering my...
  • You're Full of Garbage

    A few years ago I walked into the kitchen to find my old roommate shoving an entire tray of uneaten lasagna down the garbage disposal.   “What the hell are you doing?” I asked, as she repeatedly stabbed the noodles with a fork to dislodge them from the container.  “This is what a garbage disposal is for,” she confidently explained. Incorrect. So incorrect, in fact, that our disposal broke two...
  • I Hear It’s Supposed to Rain Tomorrow

    If I had to make a life list of the things I most despise, making small talk would fall just below people leaving uneaten desserts at restaurants and glitter (it never goes away). Consider the conversation required in an elevator. Whether it’s a stranger or my best friend, the second those doors shut and I have to decide whether to look directly at them or speak to them through their reflection...
  • Under the Big Top

    My younger brother and I were always trying to make a buck. Well, wanting to make a buck. The trying, not as much. Our more ambitious entrepreneurial peers were manning lemonade stands, cutting grass and selling baked goods, but Chris and I wanted to do something a bit more creative. Naturally, we settled on a carnival. Our yard wasn’t humongous, but we were confident we had just enough space for...

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