Thursday, October 1, 2015
Some of my friends have very simple screening criteria when searching for a significant other: You must have a bed, with a frame, in a place that does not also house your parents.
Futons, mattresses thrown on the floor, a nightly snack drop-off from mother dearest; you’re in your late 20s, people—get your act together.
While some of my counterparts may not know what a fitted sheet is, I want to...
Thursday, September 17, 2015
There’s something that seems to snap in most people after that third lap around a crowded parking lot. The first two times, you’re sitting calmly behind the wheel, confident an open parking space will surely make its presence known.
And then you make that third lap and you start morphing into the Hulk. And by you, I mean my Dad.
It’s always at the worst time, too—some sort of holiday or family...
Thursday, September 10, 2015
The most exciting thing about starting college was that for the first time in 12 years, I could totally reinvent myself. I didn’t know a single person from high school who was going there, and I could be anyone I wanted to be.
And then I showed up on move-in day wearing a Carnival cruise t-shirt. Cause that’s apparently who I wanted to be.
Admittedly, I did not make the most of my collegiate...
Thursday, September 3, 2015
If Hell exists, it was modeled after a Saturday morning Costco run.
Before you even step foot inside, you have to battle a parking lot in which small children have made it their mission to get run over by your car. The entire scene is one giant manslaughter charge waiting to happen.
But it doesn’t get any better once you’re inside, forced to dodge parents with shopping karts the size of SUVs....